Unconscious Conscience
I enter the room and my eyes struggle to adjust to the darkness. I quickly close the door behind me, before my conscience can join me. Sensing that doing so makes it impossible to be trapped in the room before, I turn the lock.
I stalk toward the bed, toward a figure that is more boy than man. I smile devilishly, a trick up my sleeve. A mystical dust envelops my person as my shirt floats to the floor, and the trick escapes its sleeves. When the dust has settled, a naked woman stands before the bed.
I do not recognize her.
There are no words exchanged, only sighs and groans as I grind against his hips.
It is not long before a wave of contractions overtakes me and he flips me onto my back to continue what I cannot. I rejoice in every thrust, praise him in ever-higher cries of pleasure...distracted from the swarm of conflicting emotions which has begun to stir within my mind.
It is not until I have climbed my seventh peak that he joins me at the pinnacle. He rolls over and lies down beside me, breathing heavily.
"Wow," he gasps.
I laugh aloud, satisfied in my exhaustion. My eyes search the room for the stranger but she is nowhere to be found. A raspy "thank you" escapes my dry throat and I pray it will reach her, wherever she might be.
The boy beside me smiles and utters a cocky "You're welcome," and I chuckle a bit at his mistake.
I stalk toward the bed, toward a figure that is more boy than man. I smile devilishly, a trick up my sleeve. A mystical dust envelops my person as my shirt floats to the floor, and the trick escapes its sleeves. When the dust has settled, a naked woman stands before the bed.
I do not recognize her.
There are no words exchanged, only sighs and groans as I grind against his hips.
It is not long before a wave of contractions overtakes me and he flips me onto my back to continue what I cannot. I rejoice in every thrust, praise him in ever-higher cries of pleasure...distracted from the swarm of conflicting emotions which has begun to stir within my mind.
It is not until I have climbed my seventh peak that he joins me at the pinnacle. He rolls over and lies down beside me, breathing heavily.
"Wow," he gasps.
I laugh aloud, satisfied in my exhaustion. My eyes search the room for the stranger but she is nowhere to be found. A raspy "thank you" escapes my dry throat and I pray it will reach her, wherever she might be.
The boy beside me smiles and utters a cocky "You're welcome," and I chuckle a bit at his mistake.
Criticism IV
1. Am I trying too hard with the “magic dust” and “trick up my sleeve” paragraph? I feel that I could probably make this more natural, more raw, and it might be more true to form. Please give me your thoughts.
2. Do you feel the abrupt ending is appropriate and why or why not? Please offer ideas.
3. Do you feel the piece would benefit from an explanation of the events that led up to this dark room? Do you think it would be good to follow the encounter with a little explanation of events to come or do you feel that it’s best to leave it open-ended? Why or why not?
4. Do you feel that it would be useful to more fully describe the woman and why she is unrecognizable or does that just interrupt the flow of things?
5. What qualities of the piece should I emphasize / downplay? The boyish nature of my partner? The darkness of the room? The lock?
6. Should I keep the dialogue at the end or would the piece be better without the brief exchange?
2. Do you feel the abrupt ending is appropriate and why or why not? Please offer ideas.
3. Do you feel the piece would benefit from an explanation of the events that led up to this dark room? Do you think it would be good to follow the encounter with a little explanation of events to come or do you feel that it’s best to leave it open-ended? Why or why not?
4. Do you feel that it would be useful to more fully describe the woman and why she is unrecognizable or does that just interrupt the flow of things?
5. What qualities of the piece should I emphasize / downplay? The boyish nature of my partner? The darkness of the room? The lock?
6. Should I keep the dialogue at the end or would the piece be better without the brief exchange?
continue
